Drunken Mango

I like rum. And by "like" I mean it should be one of the food groups.

Unfortunately, I've yet to find a nutritionist that will back me up on this.  What's worse, they all seem to go the exact opposite direction and tell me that perhaps I should cut some out of my diet, and cite various studies linking rum with all sorts of bad things.

It just goes to show you, some people will believe anything they read.

Nonetheless, I think I've found the perfect way to mollify such people: include what they would consider a healthy fruith with my rum.

Genius, I tell you. Pure genius.

Drunken Mango

What You Need

Some sort of fancy container that will seal.
Enough ripe mango to fill said container.
Good rum (for this I used Pyrate XO, which is from Antigua, though just about any good sipping rum from the Windward or Leeward Isles would do)
Vanilla bean.

What To Do With It

After cutting the side off your mango, peel it then slice it lengthwise.  Turn your container on its side and lay the mango in (you're going to stack it like logs so that all the slices are standing upright). 

Once you've gotten your vessel sufficiently packed, add about 1/10 of a vanilla bean and fill to the top with rum.  Let that sit for a week or so.

Eat the mango. Drink the rum.

All My Drinking Friends Have a Sailing Problem, Part Deux: Green Flash

Another year, another LakeFest. This year, I was tasked with coming up with a drink that would not be co-opted by anybody (last year's blue water margaritas got a different moniker when the crew of Blue Flash showed up).

After about an hour of careful research, we came up with what we initially called a "Shooting Star." After a happy accident, however, we settled on calling it a "Green Flash" (which, incidentally, is an atmospheric phenomenon, and should not be confused with that pesky blue flash that occurs in critical nuclear accidents).

Given the inherent ... uncertainty ... that can go along with this type of experimentation, and being the quasi-professional drunkard that I am, I diligently subjected both myself and others to several trial runs before pronouncing it LakeFest-ready, although I must confess that one member of our crew did ask me when the alcohol would be added.

Green Flash

What You Need

Tall shot glass (1.75 ounces)
Limoncello
Club Soda
Blue Curacao
Sailor Jerry spiced rum
Yellow food coloring
Kumquat

What To Do With It

Fill the shot glass to 1/2 full by adding 1/4 glass limoncello and 1/4 glass club soda. Tilt the glass and pour in about 1/8 glass blue curacao. Poured slowly enough, this will pool on the bottom. Finally, with the glass tilted again,  pour in 1/8 glass Sailor Jerry, which will pool on the top.

Now, take a toothpick and pierce the meniscus, and drop in one drop of yellow food coloring. Take a thin slice of kumquat and garnish.

The longer these sit, the more the food coloring will drop down into the cloudy layer of limoncello and club soda, and the blue curacao will mix from the bottom, to try to make them a la minute.

When you're ready to drink, give it a quick swirl with a toothpick or straw to transform it from something resembling a sunset into an electric green concoction...just like what happens with a real green flash!

Biltong

All my life I thought I liked beef jerky.  Recently, a partner at my wife's firm, to whom, to protect her identity, I shall refer as "Cathy Altman," informed me that I actually like biltong. Beef jerky, she said, is just chewy, under seasoned, nasty stuff.

No, not this kind of Impala...



In contrast, biltong (the by-product of hanging an impala in your garage for a month or so to cure and dry), is thin, crispy, and tasty.  Apparently, I'm part Zimbabwean, and didn't even know it.



In reality, when I lived in Manhattan, Kansas, the jerky they sold out of K-State was just like how Cathy describes biltong. It's been my measuring stick against which all other jerky is judged. Frankly, without being overly "confident," mine is pretty damn close.



And according to Cathy, it reminds her of dried impala.  So I'm declaring it good.

Biltong (Beef Jerky)



What You Need

3 pounds of eye of round, sliced into 3/8-1/2 inch slices

3/4 small can of tomato paste (about 2 tablespoons)

juice of 1 lime

2 cloves garlic, minced

1/4 cup olive oil

1 tbsp ground coffee (the espresso variety)

2 tbsp molasses

2 tsp cayenne pepper

2 tsp salt

2 cup boiling water
2-3 tbsp liquid smoke (if you're using a dehydrator instead of a smoker)

Kosher salt

Fresh ground black pepper

What To Do with It

Cut the meat into strips 1/4-1/2 inch thick, depending on what you're going to use for dehydration. Thinner for a dehydrator, thicker for a smoker.



Mix all the other ingredients in a gallon plastic bag, then add the meat, place in a refrigerator and let it sit 24 hours.

Lay your meat out on your drying rack. Sprinkle about 1/2 tsp kosher salt per pound on top, and coat fairly liberally with black pepper (I give about 1 turn for each 4 square inches of meat).

Dry it until it's just a bit crispy.  12-14 hours on a dehydrator, 8-10 on a smoker (at about 150 degrees).



A word of warning. Biltong has a strange effect on people. For instance, it turns my father into Gollum:

Mom: "Jim, where'd you get the jerky?"

Dad (who had gone to my house to drop something off while I was at work): "Thomas gave it to me."

Spinach Fettucini with Artichoke Sauce

One of my favorite things is spinach artichoke dip.

But you can't just sit down and eat a bowl of it.

At least you shouldn't.

More than once a year.

Maybe twice.

The problem is that you really can't make just a bowl full, so it only gets made on special occasions.  And then there's always other people around, eating my dip. Errr.. the dip.

Anyhoo, I think I may have found a solution.

At least when I've got folks over for dinner. Thanks to a little urging from little sister, that's what happened Sunday night.

Spinach Fettucini with Artichoke Sauce

What You Need

Pasta

215 grams (or so) of semolina flour
1/4 lb. fresh spinach
2 eggs

Sauce

1 can artichoke hearts (not marinated)
4 oz neufchatel cream cheese
2 oz. fresh mozarella (the stuff in water, if you can find it)
1/2 cup skim milk
3 cloves garlic (minced)
1 large white onion (chopped)
1/2 tsp cayenne
salt to taste

What To Do With It

Sauce

Destem, then boil (or steam) the spinach.  Set it aside in a strainer and let it drain.

Sautee the onions and garlic over medium-low heat.  When they're done, add the rest of the ingredients, but only a pinch of salt, along with about 1 cup water. Keep it on the same heat and stir occasionally. You're going to reduce this until it's thick and creamy.

Pasta

Drain your spinach fully by squeezing it. Mince it 10 ways from Sunday (pretty much turn it into a paste). This is not as hard as it sounds. It takes about 1 minute.

Get about 200 grams of flour.  Either put in in a large bowl, or on a workspace.  Make a little well and crack the eggs in.  Mix with a fork until it starts clumping.

Now show that pasta who's boss for the next 5 mintues or so. Knead it. Pound it. Fold it. Repeat.

Add the spinach and do it again.  You'll note that it's sticking to your hands.

Add some flour.

Repeat.

Again...

(The amount of water your spinach retains will dictate how much flour you have to add.)

Keep going until you just pass the point where the pasta sticks to nothing, but is still soft.  (Add the flour slowly!)

Once your dough reaches that point, and is well-mixed, split the dough in two batches.  Run each batch through your pasta machine until the penultimate setting. Mine is an Atlas, and I run it through until it gets to setting 5. Cut your dough in half, run it through again on the next setting, then cut your fettucini.  Lay it out to dry. If you don't have pasta rack, a pastry cloth works nicely.

Put a pot of water on to boil. Check your sauce. If it hasn't reduced enough, turn up the heat a bit. Add a bit of salt and taste it .

After your pasta gets dry enough that it doesn't want to stick to itself (about 10-15 minutes), it's ready to cook.  3 1/2 minutes will do it. Maybe four, but no more.

Dish up your pasta, ladle out some sauce and buon appetito!